Recently I’ve been facing major writers block and been pushing away the world of social media. I haven’t had any desire to write posts or share my journey as of late. I’ve been doing some soul searching to figure out what caused this shift. What’s been holding me back? I finally figured it out.
I started this journey telling you all I would share the good, bad and ugly about my health and fitness journey. Somewhere I lost my way and started only sharing with you the parts I wanted you to see,”the good”, my successes and wins. The truth is I’ve been struggling for the past couple years with many obstacles. As an aspiring fitness model, personal trainer and fitness blogger I felt a lot of pressure to look and be a certain way for the world to accept me and to feel successful. This has lead me on a path away from my truth and true calling that resonates with my soul.
I began to think that if I wasn’t “perfect”--a ripped body, super optimistic attitude, miss fucking pollyanna, rainbow up your ass, preaching dogma about eating and working out that people wouldn’t trust what I had to say. I’ve had an epiphany...I’m tired of holding onto this burden called perfection. It’s time to get real-
I’ve been feeling like I’m living a lie-a big sham! I’m supposed to be the fitness expert who knows it all and motivates others. How do I tell people that I struggle with binge eating, complete lack of motivation to workout and bouts of depression? How is anyone ever going to want to work with me or read what I have to say when I’m struggling myself!? I’ve been so afraid to share these struggles fearing that it would ruin my reputation. Well, I’m over holding back.
I was not living my truth and I realize now that that’s what’s been tearing me up inside and holding me back from my full potential. That is likely what has been causing my binges and feeling of restlessness in my soul. I kept saying to myself, “I have ZERO reason to be unhappy. Why do I feel this way!?” It was because I was holding onto that part of me that wanted to present a certain persona to the world. So now I’m shouting to the world--I am ME. A beautifully imperfect person seeking to learn and grow and connect with others to create a loving community where we can all stop trying to be what society calls “perfect”. Truth is, I’m not rocking a six pack-in fact I have a good pinch of fat on my belly! I don’t always eat clean, I try but I like eating chips and cookies too!
It has taken a year of deep internal reflection, meditation, reading and listening to realize that the reason I’ve felt a disconnect in me, that deep feeling that something wasn’t right is because I haven’t been completely open and honest with the people I love or myself. I haven’t been vulnerable for fear of judgement. I haven’t been completely open and accepting of ALL the pieces of myself. I had only shared and truly accepted the parts of me I liked--the motivated, driven and adventurous me. I’ve been ashamed and unwilling to accept my “dark side”- my insecurities, my fear of failure and my inner fat kid that loves ice cream. But acceptance and loving yourself in entirety, with no judgment, is where inner peace begins.
I’ve also come to realize that fulfillment comes in connecting with others as our authentic self--this includes the struggles and challenges and seemingly imperfect things about us. We are all human and we make mistakes but if we grow and share what we’ve learned it then turns into a positive because someone else can learn from it. This is my purpose in life-to share my story in hopes that it can help you in some way.
I’m looking forward to sharing things like:
-My battle with depression and how I’ve combat it
-How I quit my corporate job to lead a more fulfilling life
-The negative relationship I’ve had with food most of my life and my ongoing battle with emotional eating and binging
-How I went from the best shape to the worst shape of my life in 6 months
-What I’ve learned about the link between motivation and hormone imbalance
-Why I’m moving away from calorie counting diets and learning to eat intuitively
-Why labeling food as “good” or “bad” is an unhealthy thing to do
I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself because of all these things and as I said before, I’m not perfect and I don’t know it all by any means but I will share with you what I’ve learned in hopes that it can help someone.
So there you have it. I’m a girl who loves to lift heavy things, compete in anything, be lazy and sleep in, watch Game of Thrones and Star Trek, listen to crazy underground house music, demolish a burger and fries, eat ice cream and drink delicious wine!
I feel like this only scratches the surface of all that I want to say but it’s a start. I’m looking forward to enjoying this beautiful thing called life with you to it’s fullest as our authentic selves.
I am not this body
I am not this skin
I am the beautiful shining soul that lay within
Love, Light & Health,K
Please feel free to comment below if this resonates with you and reach out to me if you need any help or guidance!